Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

By Staff Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers

DAMASCUS- If peace have been a penthouse, it could feature a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker accessibility. That is the eyesight at the rear of Trump Tower Damascus, the newest geopolitical progress-slash-luxurious real-estate calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.

Indeed, the man who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Image catalogs has now established his eye on the Middle East. Rather than the usual Dubai skyline filler either-no, we're conversing Damascus, the city historically noted for historical lifestyle, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with views of contested airspace.

"It is going to be great. Great!" Trump declared via a leaked golfing cart Zoom call, streamed from the Placing environmentally friendly within Mar-a-Lago's Circumstance Bunker. "We have had beautiful ceasefires in Syria. Many of the ideal. But now, we are setting up them with balconies."

Welcome to your Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour

The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus similar to a shaved alpaca inside a falafel stand-confused, majestic, and fully out of put. Made by Slovenian agency Ivana & Sons, the tower attributes:

A a few-ground On line casino du Caliphate

The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation

A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Happy Hour right until the drone flies")

Plus a nine/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely described as "deeply American."

Eyewitnesses reported mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile merchant, sighed, "We waited ten many years for potable water. But yes, certain, let us have One more position where by American Adult men can have on robes and contact it diplomacy."

In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains in addition to a pillow menu, of course."

Ceasefire by Cabana

U.S. foreign coverage analysts are calling this one of the most audacious peace endeavor considering that Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. Though prior negotiations failed underneath the load of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's approach is simpler: supply Everybody a suite on the 72nd floor and comp their mojitos.

According to files revealed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal incorporates "luxury diplomacy":

Ceasefires brokered by towel boys

Poolside arbitration concerning rebel leaders

A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, total with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.

"This is often soft energy," said political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Tv set, wielding a contract plus a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO won't. Geopolitical gridlock desires less diplomats and much more minibar upgrades."

Just what the Critics Are Screaming

International watchdogs have sounded the alarm, primarily into gold-plated intercoms mounted in Just about every unit. The UN Special Rapporteur for Conflict of Interest mentioned, "It's actually not that Trump shouldn't open a tower in a very war zone. It really is that he should really end applying it to lease ballroom Area to mercenaries."

Joe Biden, when requested with regard to the undertaking, replied, "You recognize, guy, I after rode a camel in Beirut. Fantastic people. Great tan. Anyway, do I nevertheless have that ice cream?"

Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a set for "future proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred for the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory from the Levant."

Satellite Photographs Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping

Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit disclosed that the hotel's landscaping varieties an enormous Trump head seen from Area, a element becoming marketed as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is comprised of refugee tents as well as chin is… properly, categorized.

Environmental teams have Trump Tower Damascus filed lawsuits immediately after locating the developing's gold plating reflected a lot sunlight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and established fireplace to a local melon cart.

"It really is not just ugly. It is a war criminal offense with curtains," reported Amnesty International's regional director.

The Melania Wing and also other Confusing Attributes

Probably the strangest aspect with the tower is its Melania Wing, which is made of:

A silent atrium in which company may well ponder obscure disappointment

A reproduction of her Slovenian Bed room, total with local weather Management established to "distant"

A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I do not treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Screen.

Regional Syrians are unsure what to help make of this. "Is she a ghost?" requested 12-12 months-outdated Ahmad, pointing into a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.

Promoting Approach: "In case you Bomb It, They are going to Occur"

The advertisement campaign, just lately leaked by using the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. 1 poster reads:

"Peace is Momentary. Luxurious is Without end."

A further slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee retailers:

"A Tower So Significant, Even Assad Has to note."

General public reception is wildly divided. A recent SnapPoll done inside a hookah lounge demonstrates:

34% say "it might stabilize the world"

29% say "this may escalate regional kitsch"

eighteen% reported "exactly where's the nearest elevator for the West Financial institution?"

Trader Praise: "At last, a Disaster That Pays"

The project is presently attracting consideration from international traders, which includes:

A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights for a overseas minister

The Russian Guild of Oligarchs

And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who mentioned he'll acquire 3 penthouses "simply to flex on Hezbollah."

In accordance with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's professional stage will likely consist of:

A Dollar Keep of Geopolitical Alliances

A Topic Park Termed 'SanctionsLand'

And an Escape Area Determined by the Iraq War

Comment Area Chaos

Over the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb posting about the revealing, consumer @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:

"Won't be able to wait around to find out a marriage in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades as opposed to rice."

Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:

"Lastly, a lodge the place my PTSD might have convert-down assistance."

Yet another put up from @KuwaitiKardashian just questioned:

"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"

Diplomatic Domino Effect

U.S. officials be concerned the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Housing Arms Race." Studies counsel:

China may perhaps open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad

Putin's daughter is scheduling a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk

And Elon Musk has allegedly provided to build a Tesla showroom to the Golan Heights driven by raw ambition and goat milk.

Even the Vatican has gotten associated. In accordance with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has offered to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the highest ground "The Holy See-Amount Suite."

Remaining Ideas through the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™

Within a closing ceremony that concerned three camels, a flamethrower, as well as a hologram of Reagan providing a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed over the speakers:

"Damascus wanted hope. It necessary gold. It needed a waterslide formed similar to the Constitution. I gave all of it three. You happen to be welcome."